So You Think You’re Listening

When I was studying in seminary, one of my professors was noted author, speaker, and marriage counselor, H. Norman Wright.  Taking his classes was very beneficial to me both in my marriage and in my ministry.  Of the many things that Professor Wright taught me, one of the most helpful was the concept of listening.

He noted several times that one of the major causes of divorce in marriage and problems in all types of relationships was communication, or the lack of it. He reminded us of several passages in the Bible that mentioned that wisdom was not necessarily reflected by the number of words we could put into a conversation.  As a matter of fact, James 1:19 says “Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak…”

Isn’t it true that so often we think that just because we are talking, we are also communicating?  In fact, my personal experience is that this is often not the case.  My wife, Sheree, and I are finding this increasingly to be a problem because our hearing ability is not as keen as it once was.   However, we need to understand that listening is a lot more than just hearing. Hearing is the physical process of receiving and recognizing the sounds and words that are around us.  In this case, I am referring specifically to the words of others being directed at us.  Listening is the skill of understanding what one is hearing.

When I say “understanding,” I mean that to be a good listener, we need to comprehend both the content of the message and the emotions behind the message.  When we say, “I understand,” what we should be implying is that I not only understand what you have said, but I understand what you are feeling about what you have said.

Far too many of us are poor listeners.  We often stand and hear someone talking just waiting to get in and say what is on our minds.  In our talking we don’t take a servant attitude by carefully listening.  We are more caught up in trying to impress others with our wisdom than to really listen and see how we might minister to that person.  Effective listening is absolutely essential to fostering a good relationship with your spouse, kids, boss, friends, and relatives.  Here are a few tips on being a good listener:

1. When in the presence of someone, don’t be doing something else. If possible, make good eye contact.  Turn off the television, radio, iPod, or whatever. Give full attention, especially to important discussions.
2. Work on focusing on the individual talking. Try to keep your mind from wandering to other thoughts.  This can take practice.
3. Ask clarifying questions.  Don’t assume that you understand the facts or the feelings involved. When she tells you that she really had a hard day, ask, “What do you mean by hard?  What made it hard?”
4. Affirm the feelings of the person talking.  “I sense that you are very frustrated by their behavior.”
5. Realize that people aren’t always looking for solutions to their problems.  Sometimes they just need someone to encourage their hearts. Men, we are especially bad at this. Often our wives are looking for our emotional support and not our incredibly logical answers.

In summary, the Lord knows us best and He knows how we have been impacted by our sin.  We want to make ourselves the center of too many conversations.  At the same time we know that we are truly happiest when we follow the model of Christ and become servants.  One of the best ways to serve is to be a good listener.  Let’s all work harder at James’ admonition to be quicker (more effective) with our listening and slower with our speaking.  After all, isn’t it the fool who speaks before he understands a situation?  God bless you.

Pastor Doug Dennee